Turning Humanoid: February Horoscope for Almost-Humans

Astronomota Cosmonaut, Senior Soothsayer #23 Moon Despina, Neptune

Mark your calendars: February is all about Love. Whether you are an whiny poltergeist or a sensual robot, we can all agree that Love is the most important thing in an earthlings life. As a humanoid, we share physical and mental traits that vaguely resemble a human being. Due to this, perhaps we too can feel this elusive and confusing emotion. Do you have butterflies stabbing you repeatedly? Is your heart punching you in the face? Read below to find out what the stars are telling us in this Turning Humanoid: Love Horoscope Edition.

ApePeople (March 21-April 19)

Includes: Skunk Apes, Yeti, Sasquatch, Bigfoot

So elusive, so buff! You spend so much time running away from prying eyes you have developed one finely-toned body. I know your shy, but damn, you sexy. When you see a human in the distance, instead of running away, why not try flirting a little? Not only would they be shocked to the point of fainting — you’ll give them something to talk with all of their cryptozoologist friends. Are you camera shy? Be sure to grab their high speed camera from their tiny human hands and crush it between your forefinger and thumb into a fine dust. This will impress and scar them for the rest of their lives!